


Mrs Hudson's gay baby and his boyfriend

by hobbitoncrack, Kathaka9



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anyways, Crack, Drunk Texting, Everybody is gay, Funny, Gay, Humor, John's Mustache, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Pure Crack, Stupidity, Texting, This Is STUPID, gaygaygay, gegetit, humor fic, idk - Freeform, its funny, its gay, its random, its serious for like 5 seconds, its so stupid, its weird, john did WHAT my son, lol this is so gay, please read this it will make my friend rlly happy, read my fic plz, she says hi with a wink to any signle ladies around 16-18 years old, shercock homolomes, sherlock is my gay bby, shes gay too, they should just kiss already, this is just pure crack, umm, what more do u want
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-18 10:04:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10614636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbitoncrack/pseuds/hobbitoncrack, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kathaka9/pseuds/Kathaka9
Summary: john realizes what we all knew..he is in fact.....a bisexual man.... he dumps his gf but texts none other than shercock homolmes by accident. what will happen from here? will john meet the man of his dreams..? read to find out





	1. the gay intensifies

Sherlock

_ John _

* * *

 

_ Friday _

(2:03am)

_ ‘Hey..um listen Sarah. We have to break up. I've had a hard time thinking about this and thinking it through but i have come to the conclusion that I, am infact…...gay’ _

 

(2:04am)

Breaking up over text? I thought people thought that kind of thing was rude? -SH

 

(2:05am)

_ ‘SH?....Look Sarah i'm sorry, but i've had a rough time thinking this through but i'm actually just really really really really gay...i would love to still be friends,please forgive me..i know being gay isn't allowed.. I've tried so hard to stay straight’ _

 

_ (2:07 am) _

_ ‘Sarah..?’ _

 

(2:09am)

You might want to check the number you’re texting.

 

(2:11am)

Also, there is nothing wrong with being homosexual as If being gay is truly a choice, then people who attempt to change their orientation should be able to do so. But most people who are homosexual describe it as a deeply ingrained attraction that can't simply be shut off or redirected. For men,  [ orientation is fixed by the time the individual reaches puberty ](http://www.livescience.com/34018-people-stop-gay.html) . Homosexuality is a part of our genetics and is in our nature, it is mostly affected by our genetics and the environment we are placed in, for example many psychologists believe that the root of homosexuality is in fact in our upbringing which is an environmental effect which can influence our genes. 

 

(2:12am)

_ ‘Oh sshiiiiitt fuck fuck fufkcufkckfuckck. I am so sorry ive texted the wrong number...dont have my glasses on….listen. You can not tell a single fucking soul that i am gay. NOT ONE SOUL OKAY…’ _

 

(2:13am)

Why would it matter if I told my non-existent friends that this mysterious person who texted me by mistake whose name I have yet to find out is gay?

 

(2:13am)   

_ ‘John’ _

 

(2:14am) 

Why are you avoiding my question John?

 

(2:17am)

_ ‘… And your name is..?’ _

 

(2:18am)

Sherlock Holmes

 

(2:23am)

John, you can’t avoid my question forever. There is nothing wrong with homosexuality like I explained earlier.

 

(2:24am)

By the way you should probably text Sarah as she has likely messaged you about when you will meet her for a date on Saturday night, a date in which you do not intend to go to.

 

(7.46am)

_ ‘How the fuck did you know about my date?….are you stalking me..? Also thank you very much Mr. Holmes. I drank a little and i am in fact very straight. I will be going to my FEMALE date.’ _

 

(7:50am)

Not likely. When people get drunk they tend to loose reasoning skills and the ability to contemplate the repercussions of an action which causes them to become more honest. If you texted saying that you wished to break up with Sarah while drunk then that likely means that you don’t have a happy relationship with her, likely due to your homosexuality which you are attempting to hide likely due to a homophobic family, which means that you do in fact wish to break up with Sarah. I knew about your date because it’s friday and most couples tend to do a date night on a Saturday and as it is the first week of the month statistically it more likely that you’d be having a date night tonight.

 

_ (7:54am) _

_ ‘I'M NOT GAY!’ _

 

(7:55am)

Your drunk texting says otherwise.

 

(7.56am)

_ ‘And why do you care so fucking much huh? Why does it matter soo much to you if John Watson is gay (WHICH HE IS NOT)’ _

 

(7:58am)

I don’t care, caring is not an advantage. I just got told by someone that I should learn to be more ‘human,’ which is physically impossible as I am already a human. I decided I’d try, I won’t be doing that again.

 

(7:59am)

_ ‘No. caring is a huge advantage actually - being heartless is not an advantage. You fuckwit.’ _

 

(8:00am)

Will caring about people help save them?

 

(8:08am)

_ Save them in what way Holmes? Caring emotionally can save a suicide, it can save somebody from feeling lonely.HOW DO YOU JUST NOT CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. You're a fucking psychopath  _

 

(8:09am)

High functioning sociopath actually. 

 

(8:10am)

_ ‘What the actual fuck is wrong with you. But also, how the actual fuck does your brain work...you figured out my date night from a simple text?? You're a brilliant bastard. But yet again. What the fuck’ _

 

(8:12am)

I worked out your date night through the power of deduction. Human beings are predictable and typically follow a pattern which when learnt can be used to figure out their life story through the simplest of items. 

 

(8:13am)

Also I don’t know, as you so elegantly put it, ‘what the fuck is wrong with me.’ My brother has a whole file of theories as to what might be wrong with me, but I guess you could say that from my experiences I have learnt that caring does not come at an advantage and will lead to hurt.

 

(8:14am)

_    ‘You    are        bloody amazing’ _

 

(8:15am)

That’s not what people normally say?

 

(8:15am)

_ Well what do people normally say?  _

 

(8:15am)

“Piss off”

 

(8:16am)

_ ‘Well i happen to find you extremely interesting. Sherlock Holmes. Interesting name too’ _

 

(8:17am)

And you John Watson, you seem significantly less dull than the rest of humanity.

 

(6:23pm) 

_ ‘Dinner?’ _

 

_ (6:31pm) _

_ ‘Unless you are busy’ _

 

_ (6:46pm) _

_ ‘Sherlock?’ _

 

_ (6:50pm) _

_ ‘Sorry’ _

 

(6:51pm)

You’re asking me out to dinner?

 

(6:52pm)

_ ‘Nice deduction doofus’ _

 

(6:54pm)

John I must have you know that while I’m flattered by your interest I consider myself married to my work and given that you are currently in a relationship, even if it is an unhappy one, that you probably shouldn’t be pursuing me as a sexual partner.

 

(6;56)

_ ‘Oh god no...Sherlock i dont even know your sexualality and i meant as friends. Dooofus. Ahahahah. Also i broke up with Sarah this morning. Not like you care or anything’ _

 

(6:57pm)

You consider me a friend?

 

(6:58pm)

_ ‘Oh..i mean what else would we be?’ _

 

(7:00pm)

Well given that we only started talking at 2am this morning I figured that you’d wish to terminate conversation with me.

 

(7:01pm)

I don’t have friends Dr Watson.

 

(7:02pm)

_ ‘Doctor? How the fuck...also. Why? Why do you not have friends Sherlock. ‘ _

 

(7:09pm)

Thursday is not typically a night people go drinking on so therefore if you went drinking you were likely celebrating the end of a night shift. Judging by the way you text you have had significant education to gain your job but are most likely new to it so therefore you are statistically likely to be a doctor, correct me if I’m wrong Doctor?

 

(7:10pm)

_ ‘Why dont you have friends?. You're brilliant’ _

 

_ (7:11pm) _

Friends are a waste of time, people are stupid and too emotional. People don’t typically like me and from what I’ve observed people are going to be horrible whether you are their friend or not so why bother caring for someone when in the end I am only going to get hurt. Use your brain John, given that you're a doctor there must be at the very least something where that organ should reside.

 

_ (john is upset and doesn't reply) _

 

(9:32pm)

I’m guessing that you’re upset by that. Figures, you’re a doctor of course you care too much about people but news flash John, people aren’t worth getting your heartbroken over.

 

(9:35pm)

_ Has anyone ever told you that you are a fucking asshole Sherlock Holmes? _

 

(9:40pm)

They never really stop....

 

(9:43pm)

_ Well you’re an asshole _

 

(9:45pm)

I know, no need to remind me

 

(9:47pm)

_ A genius asshole but an asshole none the less _

 

(9:50pm)

Yeah John, I get it I’m an asshole

 

(9:54pm)

_ You’re the biggest asshole that ever lived and fuck you _

 

(9:55pm)

Are you done? BEING STRAIGTHHYHYHY BC I'M FELEING VERY GAY RN AND I WANT U TO PUT UR LIPS ONTO MY LIPS

 

(9:59pm)

_ YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE HOW ARE YOU SO SMART YET YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS FUCKING RUDE OR NOT _

 

(10:02pm)

_ NEXT YOUR GOING TO TELL ME THAT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THE EARTH GOES ROUND OR THAT I'M BABY BYE BYE BIIIII (bi..bii..) _

 

(10:05pm)

What does that matter I'M GAY so we go sun or we go round the moon (IM REALLY GAY) or round and round the garden like a teddy bear it wouldn’t make any difference, all that matters to me is the work, without that my brain rots. 

 

(10:07pm)

_ Yeah well...... fuck you but id rather you fuck me. Either way you'll get fucked. _

 

(6:09pm)

Do you still want to have dinner?

 

_ (6:23pm) _

_ Yeah sure _

 

(6:25pm)

Do you know Angelo’s?

 

(6:32pm)

_ Thinkso yeah _

 

(6:33pm)

Would you like to go to dinner there?

 

(6:34pm)

_ Yeah alright _

 

(6:37pm)

See you then.

 

(6:40pm)

_ See you then :) _

 

Sherlock arrived at Angelo’s first wearing his telltale blue scarf and the coat that makes him look like a fucking overdramatic superhero cuz he's over dramatic as fuck. He walked in with his hair ruffled up looking for his soulmate. Much to his displeasure John had yet to arrive. Angelo came over with a smile on his face and seated Sherlock at a table which he unhappily went along with.

 

Every few minutes Sherlock checked his phone to see if John had sent him a text saying that he’d be late or wasn’t coming. As the minutes passed by he became more and more anxious that John wasn’t going to show up. His checking of his phone became more frequent until it got to the point where he wouldn’t take his eyes off the screen for even a second in case John sent him a text.

 

He should’ve taken his eyes off the screen. John came into the restaurant and scanned the place for Sherlock’s telltale coat or the hat that he always seemed to wear in the papers. The ‘deerstalker’ or whatever it was. When John had asked him about the hat over texts he’d been informed that it was actually a death frisbee, so who knew?

 

John scanned the place until he laid eyes on a sherlock description man who had his eyes glued to his phone. His fingers twitching and his eyes never leaving the phone as if he was expecting a text. John laughed at that, his boyfriend- no John friend, was worried that he wouldn’t show. How cute, no not cute John. Very not cute, think manly thoughts not thoughts about how your boyfriend- friend is cute. 

 

John walked up to him with a smile on his face and lightly tapped him on the shoulder. Sherlock’s head shot up from his phone so fast that John could’ve sworn he’d get whiplash. Sherlock’s expression was one of annoyance at first but once he realised that John had been the one to distract him from his distraction his expression quickly softened.

  
“Hello,” Sherlock greeted him in an oddly professional voice. 


	2. DEDUCE THIS

John didn’t know why he was surprised Sherlock texted like the freaking king of England, what did that make him, his mistress? No John you are not gay, Sherlock is your friend. Don’t make this gay.

 

“Hi-hello,” John said, his voice wavering. Sherlock gave him an odd look at that but didn’t comment on it much to his surprise. Over the phone Sherlock had sounded like he had an answer for everything, like he could never stop talking but so far in person the only word he’d managed to say to him was hello. 

“Is there any particular reason you chose this place?” John asked in an attempt to start a conversation. Sherlock’s face lit up at the question as he began to animatedly explain about how he’d gotten the owner of the place of a murder charge. He could barely keep up with the explanation as Sherlock talked faster than a rocket traveling at the speed of light and made so many over dramatic hand gestures that it was hard to make sense of anything. He decided that it was best to just smile and nod his way through the story. His plan must’ve worked as Sherlock never slowed down in his dramatic retelling of the events and the smile never left his face.

 

“Would you like a candle for your table?” Angelo’s voice asked out of nowhere. Neither John nor Sherlock had seen him approach the table, far too wrapped up in Sherlock’s strange tale. 

 

“Why would we need that? We’re not going to set fire to it and the lights in here are perfectly adequate,” Sherlock said in answer to the question. 

 

Angelo gave Sherlock an odd look before looking at John with his eyebrows raised that way they do in movies when people have plans and know there's love. “It’d make your date more romantic.”

 

John spat out the water he’d unknowingly drank at that sentence. Angelo thought- no nope. Not in hell. He was not gay and he certainly was not here on a date with Sherlock Holmes. Nope, not at all. Not at all. He was as straight as a ruler, yup totally. Not gay for Sherlock at all, no matter how much he loved- no liked, he only liked Sherlock as a friend. Yeah as a friend, not like he wanted to date him at all, nope. Just too straight friends having dinner in a perfectly straight way, no gay at all.

 

“I’ll get you two a candle,” Angelo said as he winked and left. Sherlock and John sat there staring at each other for a while in that gay tv show way. John couldn’t help but think about how hot Sherlock looked right there. Nope, not gay. Not gonna tap that, not at all. Go away gay thoughts that's enough for one night.

 

Sherlock suddenly spoke snapping John out of his gay thoughts, “are you really going to keep that?” He stared at him in confusion, what was he talking about? What was he going to keep? The only thing he wanted to keep that was there was that fine hunk of man in front of him, i.e Sherlock Holmes. 

 

“Keep what, you?” John asked awkwardly. 

“The mustache,” Sherlock answered gesturing wildly at it. John was thankful that he’d ignored his comment about keeping him, that would’ve been hard to play off. 

“I like my mustache,” John defended.

“It makes you look like an old man.”

“A hot old man if I do say so myself.”

“Not with that mustache.”

“Excuse me, at least I don’t run around London in a silly hat.” Wow real nice come back John. :/

“That was one time! At least I can take the bloody thing off that squirrel is glued to your lip.”

“It’s a mustache.”

“It looks like a squirrel.”

“It’s a fucking amazing mustache Sherlock, why must you hate on it? What did my mustache ever do to you?”

“It stopped me from being able to touch your lips.” Sherlock trailed off awkwardly as if just realising what he said. “Yeah, because I need to touch them to make you shut up.” He looked around desperate for a way out of the conversation when Angelo suddenly showed up with their candle. Sherlock let out a sigh of relief now that there was a distraction present. Angelo placed the candle on their table and gave them a knowing look before he ran off to serve another table. Sherlock and John just stared at each other for a bit again.

 

John’s gay thoughts had returned. He just really wanted to date Sherlock, and kiss him and do all the other stuff with him. He wanted to run around London and solve crimes or whatever the hell Sherlock did during the day. He wanted to be with Sherlock but he couldn’t. Gay was wrong.... Then why did it feel so right. He loved sherlock, as a friend. Yup only as that, a friend, buddy, pal, mate. Yeah. 

 

No.

 

“Gay,” Sherlock suddenly said clear enough for John to hear.

“What did you just say?” John asked wondering if he’d heard him wrong.

“I said hey it just got autocorrected to gay.”

“Sherlock, you do realise that we are talking in real life right?” John deadpanned.

Sherlock narrowed his eyes and nodded his head, “yes?”

“Then you do know that there is no autocorrect in real life right?”

 

“Sorry I’ve just been trying to deduce you, you’re quite the puzzle Doctor Watson. Okay that's a lie, you’re an open book, I just can’t seem to figure out why you hide your homosexuality, from what I can see I’d say it's due to family pressures but why are you trying to hide your homosexuality right now John? I can see the way your twitching anxiously meaning that your hiding something. Your eyes have also been fixed on me all night meaning that it is something to do with me. Judging by my deductions and your reactions to this I can only deduce that you like me. Am I right?”

 

John suddenly loss all impulse control. He just wanted to show the bastard up, he just didn’t expect to do this. “Deduce this you bastard!” John yelled. He then grabbed Sherlock’s face and pulled him into a kiss. Time stood still as they kissed, it was like everyone else was gone and they were the only two in the world. It was a moment fit for the fairy tales.

 

When John broke off the kiss Sherlock stared at him with an unreadable look on his face. He blinked at him, that unreadable look still remaining. Shit John’s thoughts were spiraling out of control. What if Sherlock hated him now? Had he just ruined their whole friendship in a moment of loss of control. What would he do without Sherlock Holme’s stupid messages that lit up his world as they lit up his phone screen.

 

Sherlock continued to just simply stare at him and blink. Honestly it was getting a bit creepy, he just wanted to know if they were good or not. Yet Sherlock just sat and stared at him blinking in confusion. Shit have I broken him? John thought to himself. 

 

“Okay that’s getting a bit scary now,” he said hoping it would get Sherlock to stop whatever he was doing. A thousand emotions flashed across Sherlock’s face so fast that John could hardly catch what any of them were. He could’ve sworn he saw a look of adoration on his face at one point but it could’ve been wishful thinking. 

 

Suddenly Sherlock stood up with so much force that it sent his chair flying back. “I’ve got a case to solve bye!” he said and then ran from the restaurant. John could only watch as his best friend in the world fled the scene.

 

“Yeah he does that,” Angelo said suddenly appearing behind him, “by the way I think you two make a cute couple.”

* * *

 

_ (2;03am) _

_ ‘Well iyu knwor what Sherrllly? Youer a dumbass becuse friensd are maazing. Even if ur olnly frien is beer.’ _

 

(2:04am)

John beer is not sentient and therefore cannot be your friend.

 

(2:07am)

_ ‘Beer si beteter frien than you or aynore else evre. Friends protectyou.’ _

 

(2:08am)

Being alone is what I have John, alone protects me. 

 

(2;28am)

‘Friednsd protact u dumbass, i'm gogona go cococaiane. Goofnifht my not friend’

 

(2:30am)

Friends can only protect you if you have them John.

 

(2:25am)

_ ‘Leeeet me ptrotecy t yu. You donthaev to be alone,. Ii am alone. Alone hurts. Dont be alone sherly’ _

 

(2:30am)

You seem like a good person John, but trust me, you don’t want me as a friend.

 

(2:36am)

_ ‘U DONTKNOW EM. fuckn suckmy dick. I wanan be youer friwnd but you wouldend up gettingsick ofme. Oh goshf’ _

 

_ (2:37am) _

_ ‘I have beenrfv pucehec. Help me sherly. At bar. Ppucnhed for being gya. Help me’ _

 

(2:38am)

John there are over 7000 bars in London, while I may be brilliant I cannot narrow down exactly what bar you are at from the 7000 in London

 

(2:40am)

_ RIP alright u owe me kisses _

 

(2:43am)

If you get home safely I’ll give you all the kisses you desire and more.

 

(3:04pm)

_ I AM NOT GAY SHERLOCK HOLMES DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME. I MAY THINK YOUR THE HOTTEST HOT TO WALK THE EARTH BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME GAY _

 

(3:05pm)

You think I’m hot?

 

(3:12pm)

_ WHAT PART OF NOT GAY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND _

 

(3:15pm)

The not part because John you are clearly a flaming homosexual.

 

(3:17pm)

_ FUCK U _

 

(3:20pm)

I’m trying to.

 

(6:09pm)

I feel i have made you upset, i need to have a walk anyway, care to join?

 

_ (6:23pm) _

_ Yeah sure _

 

(i cant be fucked trying to find numbers)

Do you know the park near baker street?

 

(time of unknown timeness)

_ Thinkso yeah _

 

(another time)

Would you like to meet me there?

 

(9843)

_ Yeah alright _

 

(39y584)

See you then.

 

(83y5843)

_ See you then. _

 

THEN

 

John walks up to the park and sees a tall man in a long coat and blue scarf. Sher-Sherlock?

 

“YES IT IS I, SHLOCK. I AM HERE TO FULFILL YOUR GAY DREAMS JOHN. TOGETHER WE WILL RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET AND MAKE OUT UNDER THE STARS OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS YOU NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHEN YOU FULFILL YOUR GAY DREAMS. FLY WITH ME JOHN WE WILL GO PLACES, PROBABLY THE GROUND BECAUSE I CANT FLY AW WELL FALLINGS JUST LIKE FLYING ACCEPT TERHERES A MORE PERMANENT DESTINATION ANYWAY JOHN OUR HEARTS WILL GO ON AND WE WILL GAY TOGETHER AND BECOME THE GAYEST GAYS TO EVER GAY! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MYCROFT LOVES CAKE JOHN”


End file.
